Crouch End Vampires 7, League, Away, Lost 3-4
Team: Caskie, Finney N , Mason, Rose, Rashid, Bryant R, Culkeen, Warne, Conors, Hurley, Daho, Kuniewicz, Hockings
Scorers: Daho, Hurley 2
Scribe: Finney N
My first report of the season brings only a tale of woe and defeat in Dan Caskie’s first competitive game as 6’s skipper. We arrived at Crouch Ends ground early so were able to sample the atmosphere. This consisted of (allegedly) illegal substances being smoked outside the clubhouse (well, at least they adhere to the smoking ban). We got changed and out on to the pitch early, allowing us plenty of time to lose the kick about balls over the nearby fences. Christo’s accuracy allowed him to find a small hole in the 20 foot wire fence behind the goal, sending a ball in to someone’s back garden. Luckily the owner of the garden was not there to witness Christo and John retrieving the ball minutes later. On to the game itself and in traditional EBOG style we started like a snail on sleeping pills, allowing CEV to take control of the game and put us under constant pressure.

We could not get anyone to get a foot on the ball and bring the game to our pace. Mo was the only one capable of this but we could not clear the ball up to him to get in this position. Strangely then it was us who took the lead. We’d had maybe one or two attacks on the break before hand but this was a well constructed goal. Daho set it up, Hurley converted. We then went back to the constant pressure again and went in to half time 2-1 down.

At half time we made a couple of changes, pushing Inan in to midfield to put a bit of pressure on a CEV side lacking pace. The result of this was that we were a bit more at the races in the second half and we pushed for an equaliser. It was then CEV who were hitting us on the break and they got a well worked but fortunate 3rd, which beat Dan at the near post. Rather than give up, we responded with an equaliser from Daho who worked hard on a hot day despite being unable to take on any water as he is observing Ramadan. We pushed for an equaliser in what was a more end to end game now but, having given away a free kick in the edge of our area, were caught out expecting a shot to come in when the striker laid the ball off to his partner who slotted home despite Mason’s efforts to head it off the line.

Again we came back when the keeper parried Daho’s fierce free kick and Hurley tucked home the rebound. We had chances to tie the game up too; Mason hit the post with a header, Culkeen had a free kick, which eluded everyone but bounced up and over the bar. In the end we thought we were on for a point when Hockings broke free for a one on one with the keeper but the ref blew for full time as Lee moved in to the area. The ref did not have the best of games, but both sides got their fare share of dodgy decisions. CEV were the better side overall as they played passing football and utilised their strengths. We were just too slow and sluggish in closing them down and moving the ball about when we had it.

Following the game we trooped back to the clubhouse for another blast of passive smoking of the aforementioned illegal substances; it was enough to send me back to EBOG tired but very mellow.

Alexandra Park 6, League, Home, Won 4-1
Team: Caskie, Conors, Finney N , Freeman, Mike Voyce, Rashid, Warne, Hurley, Challis, Parsonage S, Hockings; Arfa, Penny
Scorers: Hurley, Challis (2), Hockings
Scribe: Finney N
A great win today in what was one of the most enjoyable EBOG games I’ve played in for a long while.

Having been outplayed and outfought by CEV last week, Captain Caskie made changes to his side. In came Postman Plod Challis to add a bit of strength to the midfield; Hurley moved back to Centre midfield from up front and Conors came in to his more natural position in defence. We were also lucky enough to nab Mike Voyce late in the day when it turned out his work commitments wouldn’t stop him from playing. I say lucky but I’d have to weight that up against the loss of a clean sheet as you’ll read later on

Why we continually start so sloppily is still a mystery to me but once again, we came out of the traps really slowly and AP could have gone ahead at least twice in the first 5 mins.

To the credit of the team we did manage to assert ourselves on the game after that and began playing some really good football. Last week everything was panicky, we never played football as we were either chasing long clearances or trying to get the ball under control. This week everything slotted in to place nicely. At the back we were solid, Freeman and Conors in particular were commanding. In midfield Hurley had time to play the ball, Challis was strong and closed their players down. G Dog Warnes set pieces were spot on and Rashid made him busy down the left. Up front Parsonage and Hockings were busy and in the second half Lee was outstanding when the pressure was on us and we needed an outlet.

The game was pretty much tied up in the first half. Our first goal came from a throw in that was flicked on for Hurley to head in to the top corner. The next two goals were also the result of set pieces. Firstly Sam knocked a corner in for Neck Brace Challis to head home at the back post. Then the same thing happened only this time Challis hit it in with his club foot.

At half time we discussed that the game was ours so long as we kept the levels of concentration up. At 3-0 up there was always the urge to surge forward in numbers and leave us light at the back. AP did start strongly after the break, just as we’d thought but it was EBOG who closed the game as a contest with a 4th from Hockings. Lee broke away from just inside their half and obviously caught their keeper unaware as he was in the back of his net getting a drink. By the time he’d realised what was going on, Lee was in the area and slotted home. They made a few changes, which resulted in their fastest player popping up on our right wing. He was beginning to cause problems with his crosses without any end result. That is until Mike met one of them sweetly from 6 yards out, smashing the ball high in to the roof of the net past a helpless Caskie. It was probably the best goal of the game.

Rahim and Super Slim Sam Penny (who several of us failed to recognise at first, so drastic is the change) came on for Challis and Parsonage and we had chances to extend our lead. However, in the end we were more than pleased to get off the mark with the first win for the Sixes in over a season.

A great team performance with too many strong performances for me to single out any one candidate for man of the match. So I’ll give it to myself.

Old Finchleians 6, League, Away, Lost 2-4
Team: Caskie, Bright, Pearce, Mason, Finney, Challis, S Warne, Heany, Culkeen, Dye, Hockings, Lowe.
Scorers: Dye, Hockings
Scribe: Warne S
The in form 6s took off to Finchlians for an early kick off with some very hung over players, after watching super Dal the night before. WELL DONE DAL. In particular Finney and Pearce, had one too many shandies and looked like dot cotton on red bull. We made our way to the pitch minus Finney who was being sick in the toilet GAY. As Caskie talked us threw our tactics the ref was eager to get going, so after a quick warm up we kicked off.

To be fair we started strong and tried to take it to finchlieans, everyone was working hard winning headers, tackles and talking. Pearce was controlling his back line, the centre mids were working hard and lee was running down everything up top!! All this was paying off after creating some good chances, with work by matt & dye as we took the game to the oppo.

As a team we worked together and helped out in every position. With this entire positive play it paid off with challis flicking on a goal kick, and Hockings being left 1 on 1. Who smashed the ball in the bottom corner, great finish. The 1st half was pretty much better chances for us, but the finchlieans always kept their shape and looked a good team. With about ten minutes left we lost a lot of shape and finchlieans took advantage by putting us on the back foot. This resulted in chances for them, and with 5 mins left there left mid put in a cross which looked to be going out of plaything came off the crossbar falling straight to their striker 1-1.That finished our 1st half. This was a good time for Finney to run off into the fields and be sick, as he told me after "MATT DAMON".... idiot. With a positive talk and suggestions by the fans of KEVVVIN Lowe, Jen and Ben Warne the troops got ready for the 2nd half.

The 2nd hard was a getting into a real British Sunday pub game with no one trying to pass, and both teams kept playing route 1 football. This said our work rate was exceptional for this stage of the season. Everyone including tom Keegan, was working hard...tom please get your haircut... u look like sideshow bob.......... In our work came our 2nd with a ball by Hockings and a neat finish by Ben. There was about 20mins left and the game got very scrappy and hard so Finney decided enough was enough and came off. With the pace of Nick Lowe now on the 6s created some off the best chances for Hockings and dye, which could only see them go wide or into the keepers arms. We needed to kill the game off as Finchlieans had 3 subs ready to come on, but our finishing let us down. With result to this finchlieans made a few chances and one shot went passed Caskie and even the heroic attempt by Pearce couldn’t stop the shot. 2-2. By this time towards the end of the game a draw seemed a fair result, but their subs with fresh legs seemed to help as they made a good chance with Caskie having no chance. 3-.2 The 6s were unlucky to be at this stage, with 5 mins left we had some decent efforts with Warne slotting a ball to Dye who had a one on one but the keeper got fingertips to the ball....

With nothing left we got a corner in the last min although got on the counter which their striker easily made it 4-2. Unlucky for us, Basically if we had finished our chances and got that 3rd goal, with players like Dan and Masom we knew we could have held out the game. But we were very, very unlucky.... At least so early in the season we look strong and are creating chances, and have a wicked chance of finishing high, that’s if we play the way we have been so far... And we properly have one of the best team spirits in the EBOG’s, no one argues, everyone works hard, and most of all we have a laugh!

After the game KEVINN got his usual stick, along with pizza tits and the same jokes by Challis. Man of the match: Shockings Matt DAMON of the match: Nick Finney, aka BLAP

Old Parmiterians 6, AFA, Away, Lost 1-4
Team: Caskie, Finney N , Rashid, Challis, Parsonage S, Arfa, Rose, Gillett, Mason, Culkeen, Hodgson, Owers
Scorers: Challis
Scribe: Finney
A misleading score for what was a closely fought cup contest. Having been warmed up properly by Challis who seemed to be getting some sort of sexual gratification from it if his language was anything to go by; “come on boys, stretch those legs, umm that’s good baby, yeah, feel it…” I suppose that’s what comes of having too much time on your hands when you spend all week striking.

Where was I? Oh yeah, we actually went in to kick off alert and ready for the game and it showed. We had slightly the better of the first half an hour and really we should have had opened up a comfortable lead, but we missed two straightforward one on ones amongst others. When you don’t take chances like that you know it’s inevitably going to come back and bite you on the arse and so it did when Rose was adjudged to have handled in the box. Captain Caskie saved the spot kick superbly but as two of our team had managed to encroach close enough to the striker to take him down as he took the kick, the ref asked for a retake. Again, Dan made another fantastic save. The striker got to the rebound first; Dan saved again but could not stop the ball from drifting over the line to make it 0-1. Just before half time we were caught with a sucker punch when one of their midfielders hit a speculative long-range effort that caught everyone off guard as it sailed in to the top corner.

0-2 down at half time but still not out of it. The next goal would be vital. If we could pull it back to 2-1 we’d be right back in it and put pressure on them. Unfortunately, Parms had worked that sly trick out and put us under a lot of pressure early on. We began to lose our shape and despite our best intentions went 0-3 down when another Parms attack ended with a shot that may have taken a slight deflection on the way in.

At that point Parms let up a little and we were able to pull one back when an Owers corner was flicked on by the perm lord Culkeen, who really is living in the 70’s now and is trying to grow a tash too, and Neck Brace Challis continued his good scoring form, bundling in from close range. With it being a cup game it now didn’t matter if we lost heavily so we began to throw caution to the wind and pushed more men up. To be honest we never really came close to scoring and missed a Mo or a Shockings up front. Towards the end we got hit with a counter attack that left us something like five versus three at the back and it was easy for Parms to make the final score a flattering 1-4. The game was played largely in good spirit and we had a really good ref who constantly explained his decisions, even admitting to the rare mistake if he’d not had a good view of things. A disappointing end to the AFA cup for this year but with a team that had 7 changes from last week it was a decent showing. It’s the SAL cup next week with HSBC the visitors, a chance to make amends.

Broomfield 6, League, Away, Won 7-2
Team: Caskie, Bright, Culkeen, Mason, D Bryant, Challis, S Warne, Hurley, S Parsonage, Shockings, Owers, Finney, Penny
Scorers: S Warne, Challis, Hurley, Owers 4
Scribe: Warne S
The in form 6s travelled to Broomfield to get back into winning ways in the league, after a disappointing couple of cup games. We all had the usual banter and a challis warm up, before getting our heads on the game with a positive approach.

6s started off trying to play some tidy football working hard and looking to create some chances for Alan Jackson and hornswoggle up front! Culkeen was keeping the defence alert by talking to the back 4 and telling the full backs to push on, which was helping the midfield win the ball. Now I’m not going to remember how every goal was scored but ill try giving you as much info as I can. Sam parsonage broke down the left after beating his man drove a hard cross in for which Owers converted to but us 1 up. We tried to build on this creating chances hard tackling and working hard for each other, doing everything in the right attitude.

The 1st half felt we had the upper hand, as they seemed happy sitting back and playing 1 player up top. They won a corner, which Hurley cleared which fell to their player on the edge who was in loads of space who shot in the top corner, which minty couldnt keep out 1-1.The rest of the half both teams had some decent chances though Hockings hit the bar, Challis had an effort and Hurley too...end of 1st half. With mark fowler sub he could see how we should approach the 2nd half, with Owers stop dropping off and to start playing some quick passing looking to use Owers pass up top.

This helped us in the 2nd half, though the goal came from a Caskie boot with Hockings flick on for Owers to put us 2-1 up. We built on this with a pinpoint ball by Warne for Hurley who made it 3-1. Pretty much the 6s were dominate in every area mason was winning tackles, challis making runs and Owers putting pressure on their back 4. Broomfield won a free kick, which results in their 2nd although it looked as if the player pushed Hurley before heading in the goal. It didn’t matter anyway as challis made it 4 with a power header, Owers then got 2 more good goals to make it 6-2.... Finney and penny worked hard, and we could have scored 10. With 5 mins left challis slotted the ball into S Warne who smashed the ball in the bottom corner to make it 7.2, games over. Another win in the league and were doing good. Well done boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man of the match: Owers. Also a big shout out to Kevin Lowe. And well done to Owers who brought a hat trick jug.

Winchmore Hill 8, League, Away, Lost 2-8
Team:
Scorers: Bryant D (2)
Scribe: Finney
By far and away our worst performance of the season, harking back to some of the pathetic performances the 6’s put in last season; Spineless, lacking leadership or responsibility from anyone, uncoordinated, players more interested in pointing out each others shortcomings than trying to prevent the avalanche of attacks from our oppo. The warning signs were there from the kick off. It took WH all of 6 seconds to get their first attack on goal and they should have gone a goal up but for a mishit shot. You’d have thought that would have given us a wake up call but no, we spent the next 25 mins miskicking the ball, playing ridiculous passes across our back 4, losing our men and expecting someone else to cover for us; everything WH were not doing.

I know we comment on this a lot, normally when we lose, but it was obvious that the closed squad system Hill run gives results, which is why we lost a couple of players to them this season. They played as a team, everyone knowing what runs their colleagues would make, where they would be to receive quick passes and so on. The movement was what really did for us. The whole midfield was fluid, interchanging amongst themselves and the front two. Basically we had no idea who we were marking. We were caught between man for man and zonal marking, ending up doing neither. Instead of sorting it out players started whining at each other which just compounded the problem and made the oppo’s job even easier.

It was no surprise when they took the lead after around 15 mins. The surprise was that we levelled the game when Stick legs Bryant curled a cross in over the despairing keeper to make it 1-1 on the half hour. This spurred us in to the only real attempt at football we made all game. Suddenly we too were playing football, passing the ball around quickly and worrying Hill’s back four who I have to say were excellent, all confident in playing the ball out from the back. We on the other hand had one plan only and that was to launch it from Dan’s kicks and hope Lee could hold it up. Anyway, we seemed to be getting in to a tight game up until half time when they broke and scored a very well taken 2nd right on the break.

The second half started and we just seemed devoid of ideas. A third goal was conceded and from then on the next 20 mins were just pathetic. The whole team let themselves down and Hill walked all over us, scoring at will, showboating and thoroughly enjoying themselves. We lost our shape, concentration and started bickering. I was no better than anyone else, more interested in trying to kick my man off the pitch after he’d left his studs in on my knee than I was in making sure he didn’t get in to scoring positions. In 20 mins we let in 5 goals and it was more a case of Hill easing off the gas than us steadying the ship that kept the goals against in single figures. Darren pulled one back in the dying mins but we quickly conceded from the restart and ended up 2-8 losers. There was no doubting Hill were the better side but if we’d kept our shape and commitment up there would not have been 6 goals in it.

I don’t like losing but at least when you have put up a fight you know you’ve done what you could. Today I don’t think any player could say they gave it their all. If we carry on like that we will quickly go in to freefall and what could have been a good season will become a shambles. Capt Caskie could do worse than to see who is up for the fight in the 7’s and shake some of us up who automatically think we are guaranteed a place in the 6’s regardless of how poorly we play.

Norsemen 8, League, Away, Drew 1-1
Team: Caskie, Finney N , Rose, Bright Parsonage S, Warne, Shockings, Hurley, Jones, Rashid, Dye, Sam Down, Daho.
Scorers: Bryant D
Scribe: Finney
Another case of throwing points away against the bottom side in the league. Dan lost the toss and Norsemen put us facing the glaring sun and a strong wind. Despite barely being able to see what was coming at us we made a good job of minimising their threat in the first half. Up the other end, we missed several chances to take the lead, a trait that was to continue all game. We must have had at least 6 chances without forcing their keeper in to action.
Turning around at half time we thought we had it in the bag. We had weathered the adverse conditions, now Norsemen must face them. Firstly the sun disappeared, then the wind died down significantly. That said, this made it an even playing field (literally) so there was still no reason why we should not have won comfortably. We took the lead through stick legs Bryant who was the only person all game to get a shot on target. At 1-0 up we should have posted a comfortable 3 or 4 goal victory but we let it slip.Their equaliser came courtesy of me. They attacked down our right wing, all our defenders went to the ball and when it came across all I could do was try to flick it around the post or let them tap it in from a yard. I wish I had just let them tap it in as it would save me the abuse I am currently receiving via text while I am typing this.
At 1-1 with 20 mins to go we then proceeded to miss chance after chance after chance. We were virtually in their area every 90 seconds but not once did the keeper have to make a save. The allotment sheds over the back of the pitch however, took a hell of a beating. Right at the end I thought I’d won it for us when I was clear through to head Bryant’s well taken free kick in to the net. Only, just as I rose to save my good name, Sam Parsonage appeared in front of me to save the keeper having to get dirty by heading it in to the trees.
It was really frustrating today. I know I will get a load of stick and to be fair I’d dish it out fast enough if it had been someone else, but we can’t have over twenty chances on goal and only convert one. Last week we missed at least 4 clear chances, today was just pathetic. We are crying out for someone who can just put the ball in the net and who isn't Darren Bryant.
Going back to the text messages, I have just received something charming from Joseph Turner which says something along the lines of “Ha ha, own goal, Mark Fowler, Aids, ha ha.”
This is the same Joseph Turner who is still coming to terms with his own sexuality and told me he might bring his life partner Eduardo (from Rio in Brazil) to the EBOG Christmas party. In Joe’s words, “I can’t keep living a lie no more Finney, me and Eddie, we just want to be a normal couple and be accepted. I’ve gone part of the way to outing myself with the Audi TT, now it’s time to be loud and proud” Make sure you show Joe your support next weekend. We do have an anti discrimination policy after all, and Joe, there’s plenty more where that came from my boy, I’ll be saving a special section for you in my speech come May.

Winchmore Hill 9, League, Away, Lost 1-3
Team: Caskie, Finney N (Rose), Bright, Mason, Culkeen, Parsonage S, Owers (Stevenson), Challis, Gourpinar, Hodgson, Shockings.
Scorers: Hodgson D
Scribe: Finney
The first match report I have written in a while. Unfortunately it contains the normal tale of woe; of leads lost, chances spurned and testicles smacked hard by the fickle hand of fate. The day was a typically EBOG occasion. Meeting on time at 12.15pm, we then hung around the club house until well beyond 1pm waiting for our full compliment of players to show up. All the while Gourpinar was bombarding me with Charkham like childishness “when are we going? Why have we not left? When are we going? Why have we not left” In near zero temperatures we changed in to our kit while the occasional stranger would come over looking for their teammates who had not been so kind to inform them their game was off.
To the game itself; well as you might expect, the pitch was a little on the soggy side but during the first half we coped with that pretty well. In fact I think it is fair to say that we had the majority of possession and chances in the first half with Hill rarely threatening us. Still we only had one goal to show for it, a well-taken effort by Rob who rounded the last man and then the keeper before slotting it in to the bottom corner. From my own point of view, I felt a bit like Dimitar Berbatov today. Let me explain why. Firstly I was totally lacking in enthusiasm for the game. I don’t know why as I was itching to play after a month without a game but man flu and a sore knee tempered my fun when I crossed the muddy brown line today. Secondly, I played the game at my own pace when the ball came to me. Berbatov does this because he can. I did it because I had no other pace, having realised in the warm up that I could not sprint. Thirdly I displayed an impressive array of withering stares and hand gestures aimed at team mates who dared to put the ball anywhere near me, muttering to myself about how they didn’t understand my genius, I did not need the ball to show my skills, I needed to be left alone to amble up and down; and someone come can mark this bloke who keeps standing next to me then running off when they get the ball’cos I’m bloody well not doing it. Finally, I even plucked the ball from the air with a graceful deftness. Then I kicked it out for a throw on. I say kicked it out, It was actually a precise pass to Sam Parsonage who did not have the decency to stretch himself to 13 foot tall in order to collect it.
Anyway, to the second half. I had seen enough of this charade so off I came to be replaced by John Rose. Obviously losing me effected the team drastically as they soon conceded an equaliser which I didn’t see as I was in the open air changing room wondering if any sickos were watching from their bedroom windows as I changed. By the time I returned to watch the remaining 30 mins, Hill had taken control of the game and it was EBOG on the back foot for much of the time. That said, we could have gone 2-1 up. Hodgson got away from his man and played in Hockings. In the area, Lee beat the last man and seemed to round the keeper. Then? Well, I will give him the benefit of the doubt as he said it fell on his weaker foot, but the ball ended up behind the goal rather than in the net.
This was with about 15 mins left and I think at 2-1 up we would have held on. But it was not to be. Hill scored within a few mins with a well-taken shot and then, right at the death, got a third. So not only did we get beat, we then had to get back to Winchmores clubhouse caked in mud. I hate to think what state my car will look like tomorrow in the light of day. A tiny consolation at the end of this was that we could sneer at Winchmore Hill’s shoddy uneven car park, which was flooded in many areas. They might usually beat us but we’d never be seen to have a crappy pot holed car park, would we?

Norsemen 9, League, Away, Lost 2-3
Team: Caskie, Finney N (Rose), Bright, Mason, Culkeen, Parsonage S, Owers (Stevenson), Challis, Gourpinar, Hodgson, Shockings.
Scorers: Hockings, Challis
Scribe: Finney
Same old story and its getting annoying now; our chances to goals ratio is so poor that we need 70+ chances per game to beat our oppo. Starting with a changed line up we went 1-0 down in the first minute after some poor defending. A Norsemen forward was able to miskick the ball twice in the area, then pass it to his mate how tucked it away while our players plonked around being rubbish.

We then had a spell of 25 mins where we just had chance after chance and failed to get anywhere near making an attempt on target. It was shocking. Somehow we eventually got the ball in the net after having 4-5 corners in a row; Neck Brace bundled home from a yard out, I suppose we could not have missed that chance if we’d tried Norsemen took the lead again just before half time with their second shot on target. It just about summed up the half. The second half was very much the same; we had chances that we just could not convert in to shots on target. They got a corner, we cleared it, started to run out only for one of our own players to head it back over us, leaving Norsemen onside to score a third.

We then had a period of 10-15 mins where we were pathetic; positional sense was lost, defenders went walkabout up front forcing Adam to come and cover at the back, people started whinging at each other and the ref and it was a sorry sight really. With a few mins left Shockings pulled one back and all of a sudden we got it together. Unfortunately it was too little too late. If we’d put in that level of effort earlier on we wouldn’t have lost. Even Norsemen’s forwards could not believe how we’d not trounced them, but that’s the 6’s for you.

Going back to the ref, the level of whinging at him today was appalling. He was a young lad, obviously inexperienced, but someone willing to do a job less and less people are willing to take on nowadays. Instead of taking this in to consideration we have idiots abusing him and telling him he’s crap. He made some mistakes and as hesitant but how is he going to learn? Our own Matty Page is now a damn good ref but he would admit he had some dodgy games when he first started (if he doesn’t admit it then he’s got a bit of the Wengers about him). Chris Warne will tell you how difficult it is to get referees today so I hope our behaviour has not put this lad off.

Anyway, rant over. I shall finish by asking my good friends Sam Patel and Shane Khan what happened to their mobiles on Tuesday night. I can only assume they are both broken as I didn’t receive any gloating texts from either of them after the Carling Cup Semi.